Nia {post 4/30}

i love my feet. feet that can dance like a four-year-old, twirling in front of the mirror at the YMCA. shaking her hips and not worrying what anyone else is doing, lost in the music. during Nia the other night, i was transported back to that room at kripalu, the drum beats pounding like my heart. that girl in the grass-green dress, hair wild with sweat, those first few wobbly steps toward healing. there is something about getting lost in the rhythm, being completely overtaken by the moment. not worrying about style or grace, but dancing for the pure, whimsical spirit of it. Nia is like that for me. a celebration of femininity, of power and strength. these are the experiences i need to keep returning to.

kaleidoscope {post 3/30}

"what do you want to be when you grow up?" i never realized how completely ridiculous this question is. how are we to know, at say 7 years old, what we want to be? at 36, i still don't know what i want to be. and i definitely don't want to grow up.  i believe we grow into. that over time, we grow more toward a complete picture of ourselves. we become more comfortable in our own skin. we bloom into something more magnificent as the years pass. i have enjoyed that evolution, the transition from one side of myself into another. never losing the past, but using it to refine the image. we turn the dial of the kaleidoscope, ever-changing in its beauty.

pink {post 2/30}

i am looking at my daughter, exploring her reflection in the mirror. does she understand it is her own image looking back at her? what will she think when she does this in one year? in 16? will she like the nose her dad and i gave her? will she smile at her pretty skin, will she like her teeth? her hair? i think back to that writing class at the jung center all those months ago. d and i both writing of this baby girl not yet conceived. and now she sits in front of me. the pink i always hated has crept into her wardrobe, her toys. and i am embracing the femininity of it all. delighting in the dresses, the rag doll given to her because it has dreadlocks like her mama.

illuminate {post 1/30}

for so many months all of my creative energy was channeled into this new life I see before me. this bright-eyed, curious little being I could not have imagined would bring so much joy to my heart. and as I settle into this motherhood thing, I feel the pull of the ink to paper, of my dusty camera beckoning me. that old familiar call to create. to pour myself onto the canvas and feel the weight of the brush in my hand. I am ready. ready to infuse my art with the magic of a child's smile. to share the light that has illuminated all that I do. to start reeling in those old parts of my life that have been floating free all these months. i'm ready to sail again.

commit



it's as if my muscles have forgotten the motion. as if the slow dance that was pen flowing along page has lost its music. i need practice. need to write more than thank you notes and to do lists. i need one hour a day for ME. to write, meditate, return to my yoga practice. i will turn this "need" into action. i commit to 30 posts in 30 days. i commit to my membership at the ymca. i commit to the self-care i preach daily to my patients and their caregivers. i will get up early...warm-up to the day slowly. in that quiet space between night and morning, i will delight in the silence made just for me.

36 by 36...

1. deliver a healthy baby
2. dance with david
3. start painting again
4. swim in the ocean
5. pass the LCSW exam
6. take a writing workshop
7. revisit the houston museums
8. stop cursing
9. dye my hair red
10. praise my body
11. buy fruit from a roadside stand
12. speak in public
13. plant a tree for baby
14. run a 5K
15. submit an article for publication
16. attend a play or musical
17. complete my conversion to judaism
18. go to a waterfall
19. finish my audio course on writing
20. gather stories from my grandmothers
21. dream bigger
22. take an encaustic class
23. bake an apple pie
24. read 12 books
25. wear flowers in my hair
26. have a picnic
27. complete random acts of kindness
28. eat a passionfruit
29. marry my husband
30. blow bubbles
31. plant a garden
32. color outside the lines
33. write 3 chapters of book
34. go fishing
35. ride a waterslide
36. read something inspirational every day

today i am 35

Here is last year's 35 by 35 list...let's see how I fared:

1. go to blanco tx - antiques
2. participate in ARToberFEST
3. make s'mores at the beach  {it was actually at a bonfire, not on the beach}
4. take salsa lessons again with d
5. go to the drive-in in ennis
6. write 5 chapters of my memoir
7. finish my death/dying course
8. bake x-mas cookies with mom/geg
9. read one book a month {minimum}
10. do a triathlon with my sister
11. fly a kite
12. go to dewberry farm
13. make tamales with my mother-in-law
14. spend the weekend in wimberley
15. go to schlitterbahn
16. celebrate my 3rd anniversary of being smoke-free
17. get my bike fixed
18. submit an article for publication
19. find a local Nia class
20. make my {famous} tiramisu
21. attend a book reading
22. create a lovely outdoor space
23. sustain my writers group
24. watch my dreads start to grow again
25. catch a fish on my father-in-law's boat
26. learn everything i can about hospice social work {this is neverending}
27. go to the rainforest at moody gardens
28. buy a new lens for my camera
29. create a CEU presentation
30. go to an outdoor concert  {this is happening next month!}
31. take a romantic getaway with d
32. recycle more
33. get a pedicure
34. go to new mexico in the RV
35. be brave.  {if getting pregnant isn't brave, i don't know what is...}

alive

this book is intoxicating. it is everything i have been, i am, and long to be. it is as if i can smell the watermelon as they slurp the juices in the backyard. can feel the warmth of the july night where the fireflies skitter across the sky. i want to sit cross-legged on the carpet with my own sweet child in my lap, annoyed at her clinginess, and then roar like lions the following morning. i want to hold my own book in my hands--live the writer's life--hire a babysitter to allow me precious hours to create. i want back to my own writing, the ability to pick at random an entry into my heart--to see who i was then, to feel her pain and triumph. we pour ourselves into the pages, onto the screen, we open our hearts for others to see the blood pulsing through arteries. it is messy, visceral, it is this primitive urge to feel ourselves in another, to join this tribe: of women, of authors, of mothers, of humankind.

i am lonely in my creative abyss. i feel isolated from my words, the ink, the flattened pinkie after an hour of hungry scribbles. i want to be she of kripalu, in the flowing green dress, she who writes before she thinks. she who is brave in print, whose tears stain the pages and allow new life to slowly fill the receding pool. my belly now swells with new life--different now, not light and love needed to save me, but a different breed. this light radiates outward, it is the pride of the momma lion, the radiance of the queen bee. it is knowing i am creating something beyond art, beyond my own hand. this is fueled by a power deeper than that which i am blessed. the love bubbles up, i feel it as a flash--a knowing wink, a passionate glance--it is shy, but unmistakable.

and in that moment: i am alive.

*************************
this post was written after an hour {or more} of devouring the book "Great With Child" by Beth Ann Fennelly. it is soul food for my fragile soul.

still grateful...after all these years

i started a gratitude journal about 7 years ago, while attending the murder trial for my little sister and brother-in-law. i was trapped in a hotel room in macon, georgia for over 3 weeks and somehow ~ miraculously ~ i was able to find 5 things to be thankful for.  on days i struggle to find even one...i force myself to continue this exercise. the entries are all captured in the same little notebook i started in 2005, each year seems to increase in number of entries. on a day that started out in the yucks, i'd like to share a few things i've shown gratitude for:

• compassionate strangers
• finishing a book
• walking in the sand
• laughter
• creative outlets
• my family
• good hair days
• the back porch
• my legs {to run}
• hummus
• clean laundry
• talking to mom
• learning
• falling in love
• the opportunity to grow
• mechanical pencils
• fresh air
• forehead kisses
• a full belly
• evening strolls
• teamwork
• meatloaf
• hope

dreadlock update

i haven't written about my dreadlocks in a looooong time, so here's the latest. i just celebrated my one-year dreadversary and as a gift to myself i went to the loc doctor in austin, tx for some much-needed maintenance. the above photo was taken just after my appointment {see me smiling?}  if you'd like a full timeline over the course of the year, you can check out my post on Dreadlock Truth or all of my youtube videos here. believe me, it wasn't all gumdrops and cotton candy.

i have learned so much about myself, about commitment to a dream, perseverance, and the glory of a good scarf. i can hardly believe how many strangers have reached out to me as a result of my hair, and all of the new friends i've made in my various online communities. as silly as it may seem, this year of compassion toward myself and the courage to keep going, despite looking like a fraggle half the year, has been transformational. i have challenged traditional beauty norms and redefined my own definition as a result.

the trailer hood

it was too nice to stay inside tonight, so i took a little stroll around my neighborhood.

enjoy your tour of the sweetest little RV park in texas!

pink

i think of ballet slippers, watermelon, my collection of pigs…all memories from my childhood. i associate pink with little girls, not grown-up independent women—and certainly not the one i've become. i never associated myself with pink dresses or tutus, these things reserved for my sister jamie or newborn babies brought home from the hospital. PINK IS FOR GIRLS.  and i am a proud tomboy. my color would more likely be green for the hills i'd roll down, into the dirt of the baseball diamond at hines school. or the brown of the tree trunks i'd shinny in 3rd grade.

sure, there were ballet slippers and tutus for a time—but these are not the antiques i pull from the old trunk of my memory. these are someone else's childhood. mine is blue, the aqua of the pool where i spent mornings perfecting my 25 yard butterfly, the sky which cradled my kite as i dodged to avoid the trees overhead. denim overalls and blueberry muffins taken on road trips to nearby towns for yet another swim meet.

i think now of babies—of the little girl we see in our dreams. i think of feminism and gender roles and tiny pink booties sure to arrive gift-wrapped with bows. will she be pink, like the aunt jamie she will know only from photographs? or will she be fire-engine red like her mother's wedding shoes, the flaming orange of her daddy's artwork adorning the walls? how will she find her own color—and avoid being bound by that which society assigns her?

i come back to the image of watermelon, huge slices hacked off and handed to small fingers. to be eaten barefoot in the grass, juice streaming down elbows, seeds spit into flower beds. these are the pinks of my memories, of childhoods spent outside where children are meant to play. all of these thoughts converge as we spend afternoons contemplating the future of this life not yet created. how my childhood will influence hers, how i want for her the safety and love and energy of my own. and i wonder...can this place exist in the world i now inhabit?

make a wish

awaken the artist

i forget the sheer pleasure of viewing the world through my photographer's eyes ~ how every splash of color ignites excitement, how juxtapositions of shape and design bring my surroundings into the realm of art. the ability to transform what i see in nature into the crisp reflection on the screen days later. and how an image can rejuvenate my tired soul ~ bring me back to the path: the warm breeze, the sound of children laughing and puppies barking hello across the park. the power of an image to awaken my writing after months of hibernation; how so much emotion can erupt from one click of the shutter.

i am still in awe of my love for the camera ~ the ability to capture a moment in time, preserved as if trapped inside a bubble, floating freely into the universe. as with any piece of art, each will see something new inside the bubble ~ the emotions which arise as individual as the eyes which view it. and it is my hope, that with each small creative step i take, others will be inspired to view their surroundings with an artist's eye. to find beauty in the mundane: that ray of light escaping the cloud becomes cause for delight, to celebrate the vibrancy of every day.

imprint

i see this image and think of the ways we leave an imprint on those around us. how those we have loved leave a mark on our hearts, how we in turn snuggle our way into theirs. i have been thinking a lot lately about the impact i have on my patients and the families with whom i may only meet once or twice. and i reflect on the indelible marks they have left on my soul. 

i have been missing my jamie-girl lately and dedicate this post to her…to the innumerable ways she impacted my life, in the 24 years she was a part of mine.

the jar

it is here, all around me...if only i could capture it. bottle it up, like the fireflies in june. poke tiny holes in the lid of the old mason jar, allow it to breathe...to stay alive for everyone to enjoy.

but you can't bottle it. i want to believe it's too big for that. it would fill the jar and spill out over the edge...honey thick, running down the sides. the welling-up comes again...so much kindness, so much love.

it is here, all around me.

let it in...

from an old journal excerpt:

love is my most powerful weapon against fear, anxiety, depression...

and i have a great deal available to me,

if i only let it in.



35 by 35...

my cousin katie and i for our birthdays in 2010

okay, so i wrote this in my sweet little moleskine over a month ago {the big day was 7.20} and it's finally making it to the screen.  here we go....

1. go to blanco tx - antiques
2. participate in ARToberFEST
3. make s'mores at the beach
4. take salsa lessons again with d
5. go to the drive-in in ennis
6. write 5 chapters of my memoir
7. finish my death/dying course
8. bake x-mas cookies with mom/geg
9. read one book a month {minimum}
10. do a triathlon with my sister
11. fly a kite
12. go to dewberry farm
13. make tamales with my mother-in-law
14. spend the weekend in wimberley
15. go to schlitterbahn
16. celebrate my 3rd anniversary of being smoke-free
17. get my bike fixed
18. submit an article for publication
19. find a local Nia class
20. make my {famous} tiramisu
21. attend a book reading
22. create a lovely outdoor space
23. sustain my writers group
24. watch my dreads start to grow again
25. catch a fish on my father-in-law's boat
26. learn everything i can about hospice social work
27. go to the rainforest at moody gardens
28. buy a new lens for my camera
29. create a CEU presentation
30. go to an outdoor concert
31. take a romantic getaway with d
32. recycle more
33. get a pedicure
34. go to new mexico in the RV
35. be brave.

cool off...

good morning