the jar

it is here, all around me...if only i could capture it. bottle it up, like the fireflies in june. poke tiny holes in the lid of the old mason jar, allow it to breathe...to stay alive for everyone to enjoy.

but you can't bottle it. i want to believe it's too big for that. it would fill the jar and spill out over the edge...honey thick, running down the sides. the welling-up comes again...so much kindness, so much love.

it is here, all around me.

swerve

as i was trying to decide how to write what i've been feeling lately, i started looking through my archives for a photo to go along with the post. the image above was taken over a year ago on a glorious spring day when my husband went to a conference on the SMU campus and i wandered around with my camera. this sculpture is actually a moving art piece...it squiggles along like a snake above the water. when i went to name the image for this post i immediately typed swervy {i am notorious for making up words}. and in doing this, i instinctively typed swerve in my google search bar to find the definition.  here is what merriam-webster had to say:

{Synonym Discussion of SWERVE}

swerve, veer, deviate, depart, digress, diverge...to turn aside from a straight course. swerve may suggest a physical, mental, or moral turning away from a given course, often with abruptness. veer implies a major change in direction. deviate implies a turning from a customary or prescribed course. depart suggests a deviation from a traditional or conventional course or type. digress applies to a departing from the subject of one's discourse. diverge may equal depart but usually suggests a branching of a main path into two or more leading in different directions.

i continue to find it amazing how the universe puts everything right where i need it, at the exact moment in which i need it. yesterday morning i woke up lazy and stayed in bed to read while d was getting ready for work. it was a book i started months ago, and abandoned when i no longer needed it, but picked up again recently. it is titled writing as a way of healing, by louise desalvo {whose blog is great too}. the words poured into my parched soul, overflowing my writer's heart with joy. i spent most of the morning working on timelines for my memoir and blissfully focused on writing.
 
then last night, i cried in bed. i was tired and overwhelmed and anxious and irritated. i was freaking out about our {summer adventure}, money and jobs and "irresponsible behavior." i was the polar opposite of the joyful creative soul of only 12 hours prior. and the fact that my mood could swing so wide in the course of a day was making me even more frustrated. but after a good cry and talking it through with david, i realized something i have known for a long time.
 
taking the road less traveled isn't supposed to be easy. sometimes, going against the grain can cut you wide open. and in those moments when my dreams are so close i can feel their breath warm on my face, it can be really damn scary. i think i was crying for the path i am leaving, the sharp turn i have made in the direction of my wildest dreams. i am anticipating the bumps ahead, blazing this trail so few have traveled before me. i am gathering the support i will need and the tools necessary to navigate the ever-changing terrain.
 
watch me while i swerve.

things that tingle my happy places....

pelicans soaring along the bridge        

                    blue moon drafts with an orange slice

                                        climbing the tree along the highway

                         fresh paint

                            the smell of charcoal from the grill

                                    no line at the post office

                        reconnecting with my inner student

super dooper dreadlock loops        

             legs dangling over the seawall, licking ben & jerry's off the same spoon as my baby

      a hug from my patient when i leave the house

                                          driving along the ocean, windows open wide

                           painted toenails

     shaking my booty at Nia dance class

                                       ripe raspberries that remind me of grandpa

time flies...

i cannot possibly believe that it's been almost a month since my last post! i've been writing almost every day and taking pictures and so much is going on...but i just haven't (wanted to?) taken the time to post. so...in an effort to recap on all the goodness of the past month, i'm going to include some pictures of the things i've been inspired by and my latest dreadlock update. enjoy!

 my niece...

 the color we chose for our bedroom in the RV....

and the sunsets....i am absolutely enamored by the sunsets.



life is good.

inhale.

today feels like this. 

i want to be outside with my camera, but i am forced to take a photo walk through the archives.  enjoy.

MOO.

i got in a huge fight with my dad last weekend, and it has been weighing on me ever since. most of my life it has been this way...most of my life i have blown it off, pretended i didn't care, ignored the pain. it is becoming more and more difficult to carry this burden. i hate to think that each one of these arguments chips away at the relationship that was so strong through my childhood. the days following our argument, i found myself quoting him or thinking of something that he's (in)famous for and that pang of hurt bubbled up again. reviewing some of my journal entries, i came across this one.

***********

we're flying down the highway, dad ejecting a deep belly MOOOOO, the animals unmoved by his mocking at 65mph. i used to think it was funny as a kid, horrifying as a teenager, and in the past year--barreling through west texas--i may have been found doing a drive-by myself. like father, like daughter...how scary. and this is not the only way we are alike: we are more like the bulls butting heads than the pretty dairy cows from the butter commercials. the wild bull and his offspring...passionate, opinionated, proud.

bliss

i get to see this every.single.night. it is by far my favorite time of the day. tonight, my love sat with me on a bench on the pier and snuggled under a blanket during the show.

in my wish jar...

i want to dance with d and laugh at the movies and eat ice cream on the beach. i want to fly a kite and watch the sunset and bake cookies~no, rice krispie treats~and get a sugar high. i want to feel calm...not worry about debt or my to do list or the {shoulds} that are attacking my soul. i want simplicity, tea with honey and grilled chicken breasts over charcoal. i want pink lemonade and a long straw, kids on swings, and lots of art. i want to take pictures of beautiful things...and not-so-beautiful things...and drive fast with the windows down and sing LOUD. i want my sister back and my family back and i want to be seven at willow knolls and not know about 9-11 and murder and health insurance and pain. i want out {a get out of jail free card} a quiet place to write and read and hope and avoid reality. i want connection and understanding, a place where friends sit around the campfire sharing stories. i want comfort~the arms of my lover, my best friend~to be rocked gently to sleep and awaken anew.

dreadlocks

to me, they signify commitment--a journey toward truth, authenticity, a simpler life. in the past, dreadlocks have been linked to several religious movements; today many refer to their spiritual journeys when talking about the decision to dread. i believe for me, they will become a constant reminder to be patient while i find my way along this path. i've learned that they go through their own stages of growth, tightening and locking together, getting stronger and changing form. there will be days when they look crazy...and could take more than a year to become fully mature. i feel that this is precisely what i've been struggling with: the getting there. those times when i know exactly what i want and become obsessed with the destination, the outcome, that i forget about the moment in which i am immersed right now.

i believe that this commitment is one of many that i am making for the long haul. to get my PhD, to write my memoir--dreams that will not materialize overnight. no more instant gratification...i am committing to the life i've been talking about, the long winding road toward the future. i am choosing to begin a new path, to write the next chapter.

and to stop brushing my hair.

************

my husband actually put them in for me...over 10 hours of hard labor for these babies!  you can check out a few photos from the process here.

the year in review

last year i committed to doing 20+10 things in 2010...they were not resolutions (i don't believe in the stuff), but things i believed i could not fail to accomplish.  let's see how i did...

· kiss my husband (passionately) every day

· call my best friend molly more often than i did in 2009  although this was still pathetic and i vow to continue my efforts in 2011

· only sit outside at restaurants

· go to galveston once a month   (i made a good effort...and then we moved there part-time in october!)

· eat healthy foods. (this includes my promise to never again use spray butter!)--> and i didn't!

· read 5 books (in their entirety)  i read WAY more than 5!

· complete a triathlon

· go to at least 1 conference/workshop/retreat, preferably on the topic of writing/creating  (natalie goldberg workshop at kripalu yoga center)

· take one fabulous trip (or perhaps a fabulous staycation)   both.  see above for kripalu (and a week in galveston in january)

· do one thing that scares me (i.e. submitting a query to a big publication)...sadly i never heard back, but at least i tried

· celebrate the 2-yr anniversary of my last cigarette

· laugh out loud   i commit to contuing this well into the new year

· substantially reduce my debt  (uhhhh, let's just skip this one)

· continue the “year of discovery”  (i finished this with 40 posts in july...i'm very proud of my first year of blogging)

· volunteer with teens at bo’s place

· make connections with inspirational bloggers  i even brought 2 to do an art show at our studio in august!

· feel generally calm and peaceful  (uhhh, except for the panic attack, i guess you could say so)

· swim

· learn a poem  (i learned half of the road not taken, by robert frost)

· cook dinner more often

· paint with my sister

· participate in ARToberFEST

· take a mountain bike trip to Austin

· buy a “REAL” camera

· stop feeling guilty about being a bad housewife

· hire molly maids when necessary (to accomplish the above)

· make my own clothes – or modify, alter, funkify the ones i never wear

· limit new purchases

· play with children (or just ride the swings)  thank goodness for my niece!

· live an authentic life

not too shabby.

i wonder...

does the butterfly feel trapped in the cocoon? does she know what she will be? that with patience and time, she will emerge anew? i wonder: does the caterpillar dream of flying? of beautiful wings and freedom. does she realize her full potential, yearn for the transition to be complete.

oh butterfly, how we admire you--graceful and carefree. do you worry? that you will never break free. of all the time wasted. that you won't survive until that glorious day. or do you enjoy the silence, the solitude, the warmth inside? contemplating your future...dreaming of the flowers, the sky, the trees.

i wonder...

happy halloween...

...from frida and her biker hubby

real women have anxiety

oh blog, you know what i love about you? no matter how crazy my life gets, and how much i ignore you…you're still here, waiting with open arms for my return. there are so many things i want to tell you—so much has happened since we last met, i don't even know where to start. i have been learning so much about myself over the past few months…what i am capable of , when i need to ask for help, that it's okay to fail, to be vulnerable, imperfect, human.

you'd think by 33 i'd know these things…and in theory i did. and as it relates to my family, my patients, my friends, it was clear. but apparently i didn't apply the same principles to myself. i always knew that i was a perfectionist, that i set high standards for myself and others. i also recognized that i was very independent, strong-willed, rational, and "tough." and i never thought these were BAD things. i am slowly starting to realize how dangerous they really are in our lives.

in an effort to uphold my promise of authenticity, i will tell a brief story:

there was once a girl who lived in a big city, she had lots of friends and parties and a job that paid the bills. then tragedy struck her family and the girl moved across the country to be closer to them. over time, she grew to love the new city…making friends, attending graduate school, and getting married. but she was growing apart from the family who originally brought her to this place. she had so many dreams, this girl; she wanted to spread her wings and fly in a different direction from those she had known. she longed for someone to understand her, some connection to a community larger than only she and her loving husband.

one day the couple were driving to a nearby town and something terrible happened…the girl could not move her legs. she was terrified and felt as if her whole body was becoming paralyzed. she screamed out for her husband to save her. she gasped for breath, flailing like a fish out of water. she thought she might die in that emergency room in a distant city. but slowly, she regained movement in her legs, and over time, the terror lessened and she could breathe again. the doctors were baffled, they could not understand what had caused these events, the tests proved nothing.

so the girl went on her way, but quietly worried that she might be going crazy. she could not believe that she—an emergency room social worker—had visited one as a patient. she googled "nervous breakdown" and guess what she found…

p   a   n   i   c       a   t   t   a   c   k

she met 9 of the 13 criteria for a severe attack. she could not believe her eyes. could it be true?

*******

i am proud to say that i am in my second month with a very capable therapist. i spend more time journaling my feelings than writing my beloved blog entries. and i am trying to understand the events—and emotions—that led up to such a horrible experience that weekend in august. i am taking baby steps with myself and acknowledging that i am a work in progress. that i still have a lot to learn, and that i am committed to embracing those vulnerabilities that make me so imperfectly human.

today =

perfection.

naptime is over

seen from our balcony in galveston, tx on friday

okay, so i really DID sleep most of the last week away. i may have finally overcome the overwhelm that was taking over in august and have enjoyed the first days of september by relaxing and starting a new art journal. i've noticed that i haven't been painting as much lately and since i'm going through a lot of big changes and decisions right now...i thought it was a perfect time to try it out.

i took an old composition book i never used and cut the front and back covers off to use for the journal. then i took a bunch of unused papers and punched holes and found some little binder rings to hold it all together. i'm excited that it's even something i can do after a full 12-hour shift at the hospital (today) and feel productive.  though the paint's still drying and i haven't added my text yet, i thought i'd give you a sneak peek.

hopefully i'll be posting more pages throughout the month. but mostly the next 30 days will be spent planning for our annual anniversary-vacation, or what david has dubbed "our third honeymoon." only this time we will not be in NYC or a small greek island, but in a rented RV traveling across west texas. we are nothing if not unpredictable.  i'll probably post a bit less this month, but plan to get a whimsical women interview in and a bunch of photos of my travels. 

although it's still 90 degrees most days, i'm pretty sure i feel autumn coming...

overbooked

i honestly don't know what i was thinking this month...my calendar is spilling over with appointments, events, promises, to-do's. {not to mention an unscheduled trip to the ER!} let's just say i will be extremely happy for september 1 to roll around. so for today i thought i'd just share a few visuals of the stuff i've been up to over the past 2 weeks, and what i have going on this weekend!!!  here we go...

i helped to coordinate the 6th Annual Jamie & Andy Schliepsiek Memorial Fundraiser...this is the {party} we throw every summer in my sister and brother-in-law's honor. 

we always do a silent auction...

and raised over $5,500 that night!

the event is held in my hometown of peoria, IL and we spent a long weekend

hanging out with some of my favorite people...

and then back to houston for my very first mixed media workshop last weekend...

and our big art show this weekend...

david and i decided a while back that we wanted to celebrate women artists...and we're so excited that our neighboring gallery has joined us!  it's going to be a great night. {a long, exhausting, carefully planned night.} and i'm looking forward to sleeping well into next week.

7 link challenge

i was over at susannah's and she participated in a fun challenge i thought i'd join.  here is where it all began....and i loved the idea of going back through the archives! especially since there are some big changes brewing over here...i've been trying to get it all done as my "year of discovery" comes to an end.

a look back at my first year in the blogosphere...and what a year it's been! i can hardly believe the transformation from the girl who started typing up her dreams in this space just before her 32nd birthday. it was strange going back to some of those first posts...i was so hesitant to put it all out there.  enjoy a walk down memory lane...

my first post...inspiration was posted on june 18, 2009

post i enjoyed writing the most...definitely this one reviewing the best of 2009. it was so nice to have an excuse to reflect on the year and highlight some amazing memories.

post which had a great discussion..i am not alone.  well, the discussion mostly occurred offline, but it was definitely a hot topic!

post on someone else’s blog i wish i'd written...this hilarious post by jen gray. 

my most helpful post...life is beautiful. i hope this reminds my readers to seek out beauty, and not allow ourselves to be controlled by those things we cannot.

post with a title that i'm proud of...pee your pants funny. i don't know if i'm "proud" of it, but i'm guessing it was an attention grabber...and it still makes me giggle.

post i wish more people had read...my childhood scrapbook. this really shows a lot about my history and i loved re-reading it...

who is she?

Who is she, the one they see? Bold, fearless, carefree? Likely independent, unique, hard to define. She is quiet at times, thinking, watching. Waiting for her moment to shine. A storyteller, the center of attention. Definitely funny, always ready to laugh.

But also dark. That humor, just on the other side of light. A deep thinker—maybe. At times, with a Blue Moon (or 3), the serious one. Conversationalist, asker of questions. Honest. Brutally, at times. She is passionate, opinionated, sometimes harsh.

But she is a lover. Affectionate when in close company, and always the nurturer. Great with kids, yet unsure about motherhood. A child at heart, curious, always ready to learn. A reader—lover of books—shelves lined at her messy home. Organized chaos she'd have you believe. And an artist, a newfound love both for herself and in another.

Theirs is a fierce kind of love, the one so rarely found. One of novels and old films. Wild and messy and strong. She found him at the only right time. Once broken and shattered, combing the wreckage, she had completed reconstruction. Her fighter's heart had won, building up from the rubble of her grief, and forged on.

An independent spirit needing no guide, only a companion. A fellow traveler prepared for the ride. Her wings have spread wider, his breath blowing her higher in flight. From the ground, they cannot see from where the wind comes.

And so it will be their secret. This peace, this joy, in knowing the other. Her grief-filled tears—their salty trails like a snail's path to his heart. She will grow, change. Her art will blossom, alongside their dreams. She will shine. And the glow will be hers alone to see.

time...

you never cease to amaze me. in certain situations, you seem to last forever...the excruciating pain of waiting for a test result, an apology, christmas morning when you're 7. and in others, you are gone in a blur...difficult to imagine how the hours could pass so easily while creating a piece of art, playing with children.

there are so many ways to describe you...in hours, seconds, decades, lifetimes...so many reasons to love and hate you. most agree there is never enough of you...most would pay top dollar for just a bit more. we seem to always be racing against the clock...timelines, to do lists, schedules, alarm clocks. how can we enjoy just this one moment in time?

the time of our lives...is it right now? has it already passed...or do we spend every minute trying to get there? oh time, you never cease to amaze me...

dust if you must...

dust if you must.
but wouldn't it be better to paint a picture, or write a letter, bake a cake, or plant a seed.
ponder the difference between want and need.

dust if you must.
but there is not much time, with rivers to swim and mountains to climb!
music to hear, and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.

dust if you must.
but the world's out there with the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair,
a flutter of snow, a shower of rain. This day will not come round again.

dust if you must.
but bear in mind, old age will come and it's not kind.
and when you go, and go you must, you yourself will make more dust.

remember: a house becomes a home when you can write
"I love you" on the furniture.

{author unknown}
*******
i dropped off a few VHS tapes at the duplication place the other day and out fell this piece of paper with my grandmother's handwriting at the top.  she had given the videos to my mother months ago so we could put them onto DVD and send back to her in illinois. i didn't even read the poem at the time...rushing on to the next errand on my list, but how delighted i was this morning to read these words.

i was planning to write a post about the creative overload i've been experiencing this week...how my brain feels like it could explode with all the ideas vying for space up there. i'm also fighting those your-house-is-a-filthy-mess-and-your-husband-went-to-work-in-a-wrinkled-shirt-this-morning demons. how nice it was for my grandma to let me off the hook!  (but guess what i did...a load of laundry, ran the dishwasher, cleaned the bathroom, and organized my to do lists) 

apparently feeling like i didn't HAVE to do it made me WANT to do it.  go figure.