the pool

the sounds of children laughing and lifeguard whistles punctuate the view. the hot concrete under our bare feet—the stubbed toes and cool first aid cream to soothe them. i picture the scene in preparation for a swim meet, the lane lines being pulled across the deck like wide snakes, swirling toward the water, bobbing faithfully at the surface to guide our lithe bodies the length of the pool. the turquoise paint chipping from the worn wooden blocks, poised at the edge of the starting line—awaiting the small feet that will perch atop as a baby robin on the rim of the nest. the throb of the gunshot in my ears as i dive out into the warm embrace of the chlorinated bath. the faint cheers and shouts of Tom the Dog. his athletic socks barely visible as i near the opposite end, his arm pinwheeling in a motion only meant to suggest "go faster!" i cannot identify the girls on either side of me, i am only focused on the finish line. my bullseye, looming closer with each frantic kick. my hand smacks the wall with a force reserved for bad children when daddy gets home. it stings slightly as i dart my head above the surface to survey the finish. clear. both sides free from bobbing heads and outstretched hands. i am the winner.

bloggy love

i cannot believe i forgot to post about this...i was so happy when i saw it up. and the image was perfect, i had goose bumps when i saw it. sami, over at lifelaughsandlemmings, highlights bloggers who have overcome obstacles in their lives (and survived!). she featured my letter to jamie the other day and there have been some beautiful comments since. smile.

dream.

dream big, little girl, the world is your oyster. big clouds, blue skies—look up and smile. deep breath, jump in, don’t think, just do. what does it take? to achieve, succeed. work hard, play hard. some say luck. good timing?

let it flow, dream bubble from your head. asleep, awake—thoughts flow. in a trance, let them dance, through your mind. one of a kind, individual—be yourself. only you can make them true. act now, don’t hesitate, feel the pull—destiny. faith, trust, do the right thing. clouds drift, float by. do they see us—way up high. look up and smile.

tomorrow. new day. try again. fresh, new true identity.

awake. remember. was it real?

just dream.

in memory...

To my angel,

Running through sprinklers, building forts, putting your hair in French braids…being a kid was so much fun! Sometimes I would forget we were sisters, we were the greatest playmates. Then came thirteen, you could never understand why my phone was more important than you. Boyfriends took the place of playmates and there wasn’t much room for a little sister.

Looking through the scrapbook now, you hardly notice the gap, the time where I took you for granted, assuming you’d be there waiting when I finally grew out of it. I remember the shift…me leaving for college, you switching high schools and terrified to start over. We were equals again, worried about what the future would hold.

For me it turned out to be an Advertising major and a job in Chicago. For you, an off-and-on boyfriend from our hometown. Hundreds of letters and e-mails later, you had a degree and a fiancé – that funny redhead from high school. Planning the wedding, sending you off to Georgia, who would have thought: an Air Force wife! Visits to the base were always exciting, you were so happy there. A beautiful home, a wonderful husband, and plans to move-in with me in Chicago when his tour was done.

Originally, I set out to write a thank you letter, but this has turned into a trip down memory lane. It seems as though it happens all the time now, recounting the memories. I took for granted that you’d always be there – for my wedding, the babies, the future. I took for granted the family you kept together, and the new one you were just beginning.

When that monster took both of you away from us, I never thought I’d have a reason to be thankful. But as the years slowly pass, I realize how many things I need to thank you for…

Teaching me to live each day to the fullest, and never take anything for granted. We never know what tomorrow will bring, so I make sure that those people closest to me know how much I love them. Since we’re only on this earth for a limited time, it is so important to make each day count.

Giving me the courage to start a new life without you. Moving to Texas and starting graduate school was definitely not in the original plan! But without you in Chicago, it just wasn’t the same future I had always envisioned. I had to make a change, and in it I have created an amazing new life for myself.

Creating a family that has endured this horrible tragedy. Even when you’re gone, you’re still “the glue” that holds us together. Having the opportunity to spend time as a family has allowed us all to heal, and to keep your memory alive.

Showing me the importance of kindness. And that helping others is far more rewarding than a big paycheck! Social work is my calling, but until you died I never explored the option to change careers. I hope that in some small way I can make you proud and continue your legacy of helping others.

Allowing me to become my best self. Through traumatic events in our lives we often focus on the negative, but I found some of my greatest strengths as a result of my grief. We often underestimate our capabilities, and I have you to thank for uncovering some of mine.

When you were murdered, a part of me died with you. But in its place has grown a new strength and reason for living. Growing up, you looked up to me, the one with all the answers. But now I see that the tables have turned, and it’s me who looks up to you.

Love,
Your older spinster

listen

listen. learn. understand. appreciate. another voice, another perspective. who are you, what can you teach me? everyone has a lesson to give—an interesting story, a bit of advice—be a sponge. absorb, soak, accept, to be a student is a gift. can you accept it?

space to be filled. void. what do we need? love, knowledge, freedom of expression? find your way. move, act, speak loud. a path is one thing, direction is quite another. who drew your map? create your destiny. take the road less traveled. break the rules. defy gravity. just do it. life is a box of chocolates. make lemonade. so many clichés, so little time. make love, not war.

pen & paper

i love writing...reading it, reflecting on it, my own, other people's, mmmmm delicious words. this is another entry pulled from an old journal:
*******
ask me again. on a deserted island? what do I take? pen and paper. no question. it’s all I need. my salvation. my friend. my confidante. memory. history. who will read it? the thoughts flow, can they understand? do they care? who is it for? me? them? the tree that was lost? the ink runs out, the desire remains. to write. to think. to tell the truth. to be heard. powerful. yet underused.

e-mail.text message.phone.fax. what happened? will the mailman become extinct? will you stop printing stamps? old fashioned. archaic. outdated. no time. fast pace. information age has shifted our needs. connection. understanding. Webster’s, Funk & Wagnalls, APA. is it Google, AskJeeves, online news? paper. pen. with feather, ink pot, blotting pad. will my children even know? care? is grandma my last pen pal? an art. penmanship. handwriting grades. is it all computer class and Word documentation? who will carry the torch? who will continue the legacy?

save the trees.

a.r.t.

this one seems very appropriate as my journey comes full-circle...(written sometime in 2005-2006)

Think outside the box—I’m thinking purple. The ribbon on my wrist. Avocados—paint the picture. Crazy colors everywhere. Color consumes my thoughts. Abstract. Is it art? So many thoughts—my head might explode. Write.write.write. even if it’s messy, hard to read, jumbled, confusing—like my brain. (eggs, drugs, old 80’s commercials) But I’m not. Au natural. The pain is a drug—it masks the other emotions. Always there, a constant reminder of another time. Another dream. Another me. Future. A new life. A new dream. A new me. Like blank canvas, waiting for the artist—bright, vibrant. Make it large. Splash the paint on. Swirls, strokes, art is life. Fresh. New. Full of spirit. To each his own. Free form—flowing—from the heart. Creativity is necessary for life.

thanksgiving prayer

this is something i wrote during my grief journey, i'm sure more to follow regarding this transitional phase of my life...


Thank you for strength – to realize my weaknesses and strive to overcome them.

Thank you for love – to realize its importance every day and cherish its place in my life.

Thank you for laughter – the time to free my heart from all pain and feel true joy.

Thank you for friendship – to see the true meaning reveal itself again and again throughout my lifetime.

Thank you for flowers – to brighten my day and lift my spirits.

Thank you for the sun – for with it the darkness disappears.

Thank you for kindness – in the words of a stranger, who may know just the right thing to say.

Thank you for the future – a planned vacation, anticipated reunion, a new beginning.

Thank you for truth – it is the basis for everything real in my life.

Thank you for courage – to move forward, to accept change, to believe again.

Thank you for the sunrise – with its glory comes a new day.

Thank you for time – to learn, to grow, to fulfill my dreams.

Thank you for family – with its definition ever-expanding and its arms always open.

Thank you for life.