reticence

p.s. this is my new backyard

truth be told, i had to google the word after reading the critique. my teacher for the first writing workshop i ever attended referred to my narrative as "a little reticent." this was in early 2010 while i was still yearning to become a writer, to stop talking about the book and actually get my pen moving. i'm currently reworking the story to submit for an online publication and excited to see how much my writing has changed over the past 12 months.

and you know what? she was right. i was restrained, i didn't reveal my thoughts or feelings readily (dictionary.com). it has been a problem all my life...and not just in my writing. my therapist referred to this phenomenon  as my "frozen feelings" and charged them with my resulting panic attack. but it was hard to open up, to say what i truly felt and not what i thought someone expected me to say. a year of self-reflection through this space has showed me that this was definitely true. it felt uncomfortable at times to be honest with myself, but i persevered. i did so in the name of authenticity.

i posted a piece of my writing last post and promised to start adding more of my daily musings. but i didn't. weeks elapsed and finally i decided to flip through the old journal and pull from its scribblings. it seemed that once i typed it onto the screen, i was disenchanted. it didn't feel how i wanted it to feel. i closed the document and avoided my blog as a result. but today i opened it again and felt the power of my own words...it's true what they say about letting your writing sit and coming back to it.

so, that's what i'm going to do. tomorrow i will post that entry i struggled with. and today i will spend the afternoon perusing my notebooks and picking some entries which are authentically non-reticent. because that is what this blog is about...overcoming the fear of being truly myself and celebrating the joy of this crazy beautiful life.  here.we.go.