discovery #40 - the final entry

anything is possible

what i have discovered over this year of blogging is that anything is possible--if you open yourself to the opportunity. since i pressed "publish" on that first post, huge shifts have occurred...i have chased down my dreams and created bigger ones. i could never have imagined this life as i sat contemplating the boredom sure to follow my 32nd birthday. over the course of the year i have discovered the power of listening to the universe, noticing the overlaps, and paying close attention to my inner whispers. and i have followed all of these to an incredibly fulfilling place.

i have discovered that when i commit to something, put in the hard work, and ignore the fear of failure...i can do almost anything. i have pushed outside my own boundaries, explored the unknown, and found myself living a creative lifestyle that existed only in my dreams. and now those dreams have grown--with the delicious anxiety that comes with spreading my wings wider. i am learning to embrace that fear, the one that says "you can't do that"...i have begun to respond: "why not?" and then laughing when i prove the fear wrong.

as i look back on the things i have accomplished this year, i am filled with a great sense of pride. i am proud that i have opened my heart to possibility, followed my own path, and created my own destiny. as i scan back through the archives, i am given the gift of transformation. because of this year, i truly believe that anything is possible. so often we limit ourselves by the excuses we make for why we could never do something, rather than flipping it to why we would love to do something. once we admit that we want something (whether we believe we can actually attain it at that moment), we can begin taking ACTION to achieving it.  and i am a firm believer in baby-steps to get there...

my year of discovery has shown me many things, but this experience of blogging and dreaming and stretching out of my comfort zone has proven the benefits of following my heart. i have known that i was not cut out for the 9-5 life...but kept trying it anyway. i have known that i am creative...but never put myself out there for others to see. i have discovered that i am powerful beyond measure...that just when i think i know what i am capable of, i do something even bigger. by putting my dreams up on the screen, by holding myself accountable for all those built-up wishes, i have found a place of true happiness.

thank you for joining me on this journey of discovery...

discovery #39

i don’t have a lot of friends

DISCLAIMER: to those readers who consider themselves my friends, please understand that this entry is an attempt at self-exploration and should not be taken personally.

i’ve been thinking a lot lately about what friendship really means and what being a friend actually entails. historically, i’d say i’m a person who has always had a lot of friends. if i look back to elementary school, i played on the playground, ran around with the neighborhood kids, and met new friends each summer on the swim team. high school was no different – a big group of us would hang out on the weekends, going to movies, slumber parties, dances. i joined a sorority my freshman year of college (don’t judge)…and automatically increased my number of friends by 50 in the span of a semester.

but if we’re talking about friendship, i cannot go on without paying respect to the one constant throughout all of these periods in my life. molly. to me, she is the definition of BFF. i don’t remember meeting her…my parents say i was probably five when we started playing at the pool one summer. i have never known a time when she was not my friend. (okay maybe a few times when we were roommates!) molly is a year older than me and the big sister i never had. she taught me everything i know about girl-power, living life to the fullest, and forgiveness.

she wrote me endless letters adorned with shiny stickers and drawings in the margins, over the three years my parents kidnapped me to australia. she was there through the perms, and instigated the unfortunate-matching-haircut-period. and she was the first person to tell me what really happens during childbirth (for this i will never forgive her). but she also made me a *fairy* godmother.

so when i think about my mally, then i suppose longevity is the key to the equation. friendship means a shared history, countless memories, a handful of stories to be used as blackmail if ever necessary. she is the only person i know—besides my mother—who would do anything for me. like say, fly into a hurricane-ravaged city six days following the storm, 6 months pregnant with twins, so she and my flower girl can sit front-row at my wedding. or giving up her house for a week so my family can crash during my sister’s funeral in our hometown. or driving all the way to texas from chicago with me in a rental car when i really needed to move back home.

so i suppose i have constructed what i think it means to be a friend. pretty big shoes to fill, eh? and over the years, most of the people i’ve labeled as such have failed miserably to satisfy these top two criteria. which got me thinking: what does it take to be my friend? and at what point do i need to end a friendship if certain standards aren’t being upheld? over the years i’ve ended several friendships, some by choice, others by circumstance. geographically, i have had friends all over the globe. although endlessly interesting and always exciting…very difficult to maintain. the classmates from my all-girls school in melbourne, flatmates from my international dorm at the university of east anglia, dozens of co-workers onboard the MS norwegian sky. sadly, all a distant memory…unable to withstand the test of time.

and the second category: those who couldn’t provide what i needed at the time i needed it most. i have learned that sometimes it is better to let a friendship go than suffer the consequences of trying to make it work. and sometimes i’m afraid, friendships are created out of convenience—or individual gain—like that girl in 7th grade with the really nice boat. but for me, it must be mutually beneficial. i must be giving to the relationship as much as i am receiving. and not in the same way mind you, and not always at the same time…but over the long run.

and if a friendship is really important to me, i’m even willing to give a little more, just to protect it. so when i really think about it…i’m okay with keeping my number of friends at a minimum, in order to maintain the integrity of the title. here's to matching sundresses and side ponytails!

discovery #38

i am impatient

i want everything now. i am an instant gratification kinda gal. i have all these big dreams and goals and plans, and i want it all RIGHT NOW. i am beginning to discover that i need to actually put in the hard work to get there. and i am trying to enjoy the journey as i do so.

i never realized this about myself before, but now that i look back...i see i've had a lot of big plans. all were just big dreams really, since i never put in the effort to bring them to fruition. i think i've started blaming this phenomenon on my life philosophy - to live in the moment, that all we can trust is the present. but it is slowly becoming clear that this philosophy may be shortchanging my dreams. if i am only focused on today...how can i prepare for the future?

especially if i have a very clear vision of how i want that future to look? david and i have been making some big decisions on how to achieve that lifestyle and i'm proud that i have been able to look past tomorrow. i still believe that we need to enjoy--and be grateful for--every moment. i still plan to live every day like it's my last and be fully present in my daily life. but in doing so, i will ensure that the steps i take today are leading along the path to my ideal future.

...the one where i work as a social worker in some capacity, but have more time to write, make art, travel, and possibly start a family. the one where we have a strong community of like-minded friends and a safe place to rest our heads. where i am creative every day and sharing that joy with others. where there is a never-ending supply of mint chocolate chip.

i am discovering how to channel my impatience into creative energy, the passion that drives me forward. it is this drive, this ambition to create the life i've always envisioned, that will propel me into a future i could have only imagined.

discovery #37

the joy of mime

yesterday was the last day of the summer series where i volunteer and we had the pleasure of spending time with "dan the mime." he is so awesome, i had to find him on youtube for you.  the kids went crazy...it was so much fun to see their smiles.  enjoy...

discovery #36

the feel of rain on my face

how often as adults do we run from the rain? hide from it--under an umbrella, in our car, a jacket held over our head? like the wicked witch, it's as if we might melt if the liquid touches our skin...or god forbid, our hair! i am guilty of this myself...i carry an umbrella in my bag, have another in my car. i avoid starting a run if there is even a chance that it may interrupt me.

but today i had the chance to truly enjoy the feel of cool drops on my face. the tingle of a spring shower on my arms as i rode my bike along the lonely path. rather than cursing the clouds and peddling faster toward the safety of cover, i savored it. in childhood we delight in these events...splashing in the streets with the neighbor kids, pointing our faces to the heavens, spreading our arms  to enjoy the moment.

i did that today. and it felt soooo good.

discovery #35

that riding your bike at 6:30am on a sunday doesn't feel like EXERCISE

i was kinda dreading my workout on sunday, my first pre-work bike ride since i started the new 12-hour shifts. i got up at six and quickly realized that it was still dark outside and that i didn't really want to ride alone until the sunrise at 6:23am (yes, i did look it up online). in those 23 minutes i was strongly considering snuggling back up with my hubby. but once i hit the path along the bayou, it was perfect. quiet...the sun slowly rising over the city...me and my pal piedra on the open road bike path.  i knocked out 45 minutes at a good clip and arrived home energized and ready for my twelve-hour day at the hospital.

this story is just one of the many examples i have to show that a healthy lifestyle MUST be based on

a) things you like

b) things that are fun

c) things you have easy access to

d) things you can do at 6am on a sunday

....and preferably, all of the above. 

i have been approx the same weight (150 lbs, if you must know) for the last decade. once my body figured out the shape it wanted to be in my early 20's, i just tried to keep it there. i have found this fairly easy to accomplish because of two things: fun activities and a weight watchers mindset. let me break it down for you:

1.  sometime around 2000, i found yoga. then, when i was about 25 i decided to run my first half marathon. i swim (indoors and out), mountain bike, take salsa lessons, group exercise classes (zumba dance!) at the ymca...anything that sounds like FUN! if it sounds like 45 minutes on a treadmill looking at some old guy's worn out sweatpants...i'm out. if it includes "spinning" while some skinny bitch yells like a drill sergeant that i'm not going fast enough...i will RUN in the opposite direction to get my exercise. which brings us back to this discovery...i actually enjoy riding my bike...what a concept!

and 2. i gained A LOT of weight after my sister's death. we're talking twenty-five-pounds-a-lot. i found it very hard to care that i had gained this much weight and even harder to put in effect any type of consistent plan to change it. grief sucks. literally...it sucks the energy right out...and there's not much that can replenish it. when getting up and walking to the bathroom feels like an accomplishment, running three miles is completely unfathomable.

weight watchers (ww) gave me the structure--and the freedom--i needed to get my life back in order. well, that and a goal of training for the austin half marathon.  almost five years after i lost the 25 lbs on ww, i still use the principles. basically, because.they.work. and i can have wine and ice cream and pizza. (preferably not at the same time) i need something that allows for fun...and understands that i am human.

i will not be able to run for much longer...my knees just can't take it. but i am finding great joy in my bike rides (usually with d beside me) and my recent return to swimming. both remind me of my childhood--riding around the neighborhood and splashing in the pool...and they fit perfectly with my philosophy of living life like a kid. and that's something i'll get up at dawn for.

discovery #34

that 6 weeks is really not long enough to get ready for a triathlon

my first day back in the pool was friday, 5/7. on sunday, 6/6 i will swim half a mile, followed by a 12-mile bike, and then run the final 3.1 miles. please know that i can easily manage all three of these things separately. (well, i've been taking some rest breaks in the pool, but don’t tell my sister) now i'm starting to think that it might be a little more difficult once i have to do all three AT.THE.SAME.TIME.

but this is it…this is my last shot. i am already three years over my goal of completing a tri on my 30th birthday. the MRI of my knees makes it pretty clear this may be the last time i run unless being chased by a madman. i am relying on the fact that adrenaline will push me through the lack of endurance and total disregard for the training schedule my sister created for me in february.

i can do this. i want to do this. i am not too proud to crawl across the finish line. (do you think they let you wear knee pads?) i will be like the little engine that could. the tortoise. hopefully not the little boy in this video....

who needs training and fancy equipment when you have determination and a 10-year-old speedo? see jane swim. see jane bike. see jane run.

but please…don't see jane fall down, skin her knees, and get picked up by the first aid truck.

discovery #33

that david and i can install track lighting!

today was major reno day at the studio...we went through 15 gallons of joint compound trying to fill in the mess left from the old chalkboards. but the biggest discovery was how to put up track lights in a room with approx. 20-foot ceilings.  let's just say my macgyver-esque husband got creative when the 8 foot track couldn't be held steady by his 5'5 wife. cue the long handle attachment for the paint roller...perfect.

i have also discovered as of late how important lighting is.  it can often dictate my mood, as i get quite irritable if forced to stay in fluorescent lighting for too long. in my office i brought in a nice little lamp, in my house i have twinkly lights year round...and the studio would be no different.  see what they looked like when we moved in last month?

i had to get the lanterns up as quick as possible!

i can't wait to see how it all turns out for the opening next weekend. david will sand and paint the walls while i'm at work tomorrow and i'll do the floors later this week. i'm sure i'll post pictures of the opening (if not here, then at the studio blog) so you can see the finished product.

discovery #32

blanco, texas

we whet our appetites in the home base of wimberley, with the craziest shopping experience i have ever had. david and i were so disappointed that most of the antique shops were closed on sunday, but one of the owners had her own unique way to deal with this dilemma.  although she wasn't on-site and the shop was officially closed, she had a huge selection of "outdoor items" (mostly furniture and metalwork) that sits in the "front yard" of her store. and if you look very closely at the store hours, you will also find a line that reads self-service: please leave your money in the lock box below and enjoy!  we totally left cash in the box and walked off with the most perfect metal butterfly for our new gallery.

but i am missing the entire point of this discovery: BLANCO.  in our search for an (open) antique store, we stumbled upon the most.darling.town.ever. rather than ramble on about all my finds...i'll give you the visual tour:

what i have discovered over the last year is a deep love for vintage items...both for use in my artwork and also as a medium for story. i am always thirsting for more information about a piece i've found--or taken great pleasure in creating a story for myself. the best part of exploring this whole new world:  the other morning david woke up and asked me "wanna go antiquing today?"  marriage is so awesome.

discovery #31

i am right where i want to be.

i have definitely taken the scenic route to get here, but i can honestly say that at 32...i have arrived. and i never would have believed at 22--and especially at 27--that it was possible. lately i've taken to thinking of my life as a puzzle...i kept collecting all the border pieces, the easy ones, that really don't show you the image, but give structure to the whole thing. it's only been in the last few years that i've found the middle ones--and actually figured out how they fit together. and those last couple pieces just seem obvious once you've got the rest complete--a no brainer--yet literally impossible before that point in time.

i've likened my life to many things over the years: a journey (so cliché), whirlwind, rollercoaster, highway (okay, that was tom cochrane). but the puzzle is the only one that seems accurate right now. i've always said this about my career path: that i needed all those crazy jobs to learn and build upon the skills of each. and i believe the same is true regarding my growth as a person. i have found myself in this place as a result of many decisions--both good and really poor, in equal measure. i never knew if the next piece would fit when i picked it up...i just worked really hard to make it fit. often it didn't, no matter how hard i tried, and i had to put it back in the pile for later. some fit perfectly on the first try...i just instinctively knew where they went.

and as i grow tired of this analogy, i will be bold enough to say that i have finally clicked the last piece in place. when david and i decided to make mariposa studio a reality, i felt that creative piece of my life finally materialize. i can now see how it all connects: my job as a social worker, my marriage, my love of nature, my dreams for the future...

this is the place i've been searching for: the easy calm of the studio, the support of my loved ones, the flexibility of my career, the promise of a more creative lifestyle. i realize that in time this will change...there will likely be a new puzzle to complete. but for now, i will delight in the sense of accomplishment and enjoy the view from this magical place.

discovery #30

that simplifying isn't as easy as it looks

we just downsized from a 3-bedroom house with a garage to a 2-bdrm apartment. a while back i posted this, in anticipation of the move. i was convinced that this was our chance to "simplify," to purge all of the crap that accumulates when you have the space to store it. and i was partially right...we did throw out (or rather, give away) quite a bit of stuff. but then there was the 94% of our belongings that traveled across town--and was dragged up two flights of stairs--and you see in our 2nd bedroom above.

i've tried this before when my life seems to be overwhelming me with the continuous to do lists. when the calendar is full and my free time has become non-existent. but what i've found is that i thrive on the chaos--i secretly love the overcrowded schedule of events, feel anxious when there's nothing "to do." what i've found is that the key is actually being present during all of these activities. the ability to be truly in the moment and not planning how to accomplish the next seven things on the list.

often the reason i'm feeling out of balance is that i'm not actively engaged in all the tasks, as opposed to the sheer quantity. and i'm beginning to realize the same is true for all my stuff. if each of these items holds a special meaning or purpose in my life, then who cares that it overflows the closets? if i can't bear to part with the tsing tao beer mug from my trip to hong kong, or the painting i dragged all the way back from the waterfall in ocho rios, jamaica, then it must mean they're worth keeping.

and as i mentioned in this post, i am a collector. and what it really comes down to are the memories that these artifacts reflect. we fill our homes--and our hearts--with a lifetime of stuff, which in turn reflects who we are and what we value. as i dug a little deeper into this concept i found this...check it out, it's a really interesting area of research on the subject. and take a peek at the rooms in which you live. why do we keep the things we do and what do these items say about us and our personalities?

if the photo above reflects anything...i'm pretty sure it proves that i'm just not meant to be simple.

discovery #29

i am an unsafe driver.

this is actually not a new discovery. i have known this for quite some time. every day, i do things in my car that would appall you. i eat breakfast almost every weekday morning during my commute to the medical center. i talk on my cell phone--and have been known to text message as well. i steer with my knees while putting my hair in a ponytail. i change cd's, reach into the backseat on occasion, and put on chapstick at least once daily.

i am what my defensive driving instructor calls "a distracted driver." yesterday i sat through six hours of friendly reminders that i could seriously injure myself or someone else because of the things i listed above. so, what i'm trying to figure out is: why do we do it? why do we take risks when we KNOW it is stupid?

i have a master's degree. i have worked in hospitals where people come in every day for motor vehicle collisions. i have family members and friends whose lives have been radically altered by drunk driving. i KNOW that what i'm doing is not safe. but i cannot explain why, as humans, we throw caution to the wind and ignore the signs. or really, ignore the law. is it because we say "oh, everyone does it!" is it because we get some kind of thrill by breaking the rules? i don't have the answer.

but what i do know is that i'm too old--and i know too much--to be driving like a 16 year old. i need to slow down and pay more attention when i'm behind the wheel. almost every traffic ticket or auto accident is due to something preventable; almost every one is due to "human error." the most important thing i learned from my (rather fun) defensive driving session is that being ten minutes late for work is waaaaaay better than being 45 minutes late, with a court date i had to take PTO for, and missing one of the most gorgeous days of the year sitting in a stinky classroom.

payback is a bitch.

discovery #28

i am a storyteller.

i have always had stories. i have led a pretty exciting life--for a girl from peoria. but lately i've been wondering: is it the content or the re-telling that makes for a good story? as i think back to past social interactions, i have strong recollections of bad storytelling. my mother is notorious for this. the actual events could have been hilarious, or terribly sad, or frightening...but told by my mother you felt none of these emotions. and sadly, my mother is not alone.

i could tell you about a routine teeth cleaning and make it entertaining.  i puff up the action, embellish the details, take full creative license in the re-telling. and throughout my life i have always told stories. as a result, my verbal communication skills have the benefit of decades of practice. it is only recently, as i bring these stories to paper, that this discovery has become apparent.

for my creative writing class, we are exploring both fiction and non-fiction. so far, i have submitted two stories--both have been non-fiction. yesterday was my turn to receive feedback on "the wedding story," which is about my backyard wedding, 7 days after hurricane ike hit houston. it's a great story any way you tell it, but i procrastinated and never really developed it the way i planned. in the end, i just stopped writing. i didn't even get to the ending i had imagined...i just cleaned up the typo's and sent it out to my classmates. (with an ann lamott reference to my "shitty first draft" attached)

before my critique began, i made a public apology that my story had been incomplete and a bit boring. everyone looked at my quizzically..."it has great shape" said the professor, "i love the tension" a classmate ventured, "it was beautiful" said another.  i never would have expected such a response. we spent the next half hour discussing my strong use of description and ability to create compassion for my "characters."

i am a storyteller.

even if i felt that it wasn't my best writing...everyone was drawn to the story. i left class feeling that perhaps i should stop judging myself so harshly. and that i am a true believer in building a strong writing community. this group has encouraged me, challenged me, and pushed me to become a better writer storyteller.

discovery #27

i am actually excited about moving again (for the 3rd time in 2 years!?!)

david and i were laughing the other night about being newlyweds, who are downsizing. usually you live in a modest house first, and slowly upgrade. not us! we rented our first house so we could hold our wedding there. it was a perfect space: good size living room with lots of windows for the ceremony, and a huge backyard for the party. we really loved living there—our first home together as a married couple—until the day we found out our landlord was foreclosing. it was a very stressful few months, scurrying to find a comparable rental in the neighborhood we had come to cherish.

we lost david’s huge studio space, which was a converted garage and spanned the width of the house. but the new house had newly refinished wood floors, an even nicer yard, and…a wonderfully stable and respectable landlord. we’ve been here a year, and planned to stay another, but the commute and high rent is killing us. we knew we could find something cheaper…and without the constant lawn mowing!!

it was a big decision—we’ve toyed with it for a while—sad to lose our respective studios and the storage of the garage and attic for david’s art. but when we found a 2 bedroom/2 bath (an extra bathroom!?!?) for $300 less than we’re paying now, with a 7 minute commute to work…we were sold. we’ll share the studio space in our 2nd bedroom, put the computer in our room, and rent a storage unit for all the big art pieces. but the part i’m most excited about? simplification.

i have been thinking about this concept a lot lately. i look at all the crap i’ve accumulated in the 5 years since my last purge and cannot believe how it multiplies. when i left chicago in 2004, i pretty much left everything. i packed up a few outfits, all my books and memories, and put it into a rented suv. everything else went to my friends, goodwill, or the trash. it was freeing.

and i want that feeling again.

discovery #26

i hate conflict.

david and i had a fight tonight. one of those that starts off kinda irritating, but then dive-bombs into horrible. not to mention, it occurred during our awful commute home, and on the first day of my menstrual party.

yes. it was ugly.

and as i have been slowly discovering over the past few years...i hate conflict. which may sound like a normal thing--perhaps it is common that people dislike fighting, arguing, punching others in the gut. but i have not always been this way. as a youngster, it seems i somehow sought out conflict. fights with my sisters over clothing choices, music volume, invisible lines drawn in the back seat of the minivan. in grade school, i met up with girls outside the westlake theater with the threat of "beating them up." high school fights at the fair grounds. never-ending battles with my dad through all of these periods.

i never shied away from a fight.

but now i try to avoid conflict at all costs. i hate the tension, the anxiety, the dirty feeling afterward. i hate apologizing--or worse, waiting for an apology. and i especially hate silence. david and i are in the "cooling off" period. the time where we retire to our opposite corners and try to avoid further damage. at least i know the end is near. but i'm still anxious, still have that yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach.

but i'm very much looking forward to the making up part.

discovery #25

my childhood scrapbook.

now, this is what a scrapbook SHOULD be...hilarious clippings from the local newspaper, programs from dance recitals, the nametag from your first job, mini putt-putt scorecards....wow, i had totally forgotten about this thing. the photo above is the very first page...dated 10-13-81, i was 4, my cousin 3. i have no recollection of this photo shoot, nor the creepy doll that seems to be bigger than katie. our parents started pimping us out EARLY.  style shows were all the rage in the early 80's and i can't tell you how many times i walked a catwalk at the local country club. (at least most were for a charity event!?!?)

i was in ballet and gymnastics most of my young life...i still remember going to the Peoria YWCA for dance classes. the museum and library were right there, as well as the public pool where i got my first job at 15. you know, when you have to get the letter from your parents saying that you can start working while it's still considered child labor. i can picture the driving range with the mini golf attached, but for the life of me i cannot remember the name.  i am now going to google it to stop from driving myself mad. hold on....

wee tee.  man, how could i forget that?

so that's what today's discovery is about...all the memories that get swept out, replaced by a new shinier model, hiding somewhere in that dimly lit attic of our minds.  as i begin writing more and more, i am drawn to the old stories...the ones i've told a million times. the ones that shaped my childhood, made me who i am. "hell no, we won't go"...the sit-in's at my grandma and cousins' houses...our group effort to avoid our individual homes and win the sleep over (with smidgets for breakfast!)

the bradley university chili supper...the autographs of all the players (and then hersey hawkins becoming famous later!!!) getting up at the crack of dawn to go to swim practice at willow...the freezing cold temps before the sun rose, cursing my dad through the first few laps for waking me up. there are dozens of newspaper clippings with my times for every swim meet i ever attended. and apparently i broke two records (for the 25 and 50 yd. freestyle) for 7 year old girls at the central illinois swim meet.   oooooh.

sorry if this is boring you to tears, but i feel like i've just uncovered buried treasure.  like one of those time capsules you're allowed to dig up after 20 or so years. apparently i received an award for my economics poster in 1990, and went to a reception/ceremony.  i was 13...how can i not even remember this?  i also played "ivory" in our adaptation of an old-fashioned soap opera...but this i DO remember.  (our costumes involved fringe....awesome.)

okay, i actually taped "my first fake ID" in this scrapbook.  there are so many things wrong with this, i cannot even elaborate right now.  (and if you haven't noticed, i am actually flipping through my book as i type)  ohmygod, and the certificate stating that i was an official member of eagle flight, when my neighbor let me fly his plane in 1992!  okay, i spent the rest of the time flipping through my undergrad stuff and had some blast-from-the-past-type moments with friends i have totally lost touch with.

so, in the end, it is simply a book of memories. or reminders. reminding me of how much i've forgotten.  what's that bit in "when harry met sally" at the very end when he's trying to decipher auld lang syne ? okay, i've totally lost my focus.

discovery #24

that i am a collector

this idea actually came to me as i was looking at the door of my fridge this morning. what's with the amount of condiments we amass after a while? i just went and counted: 29 items!?! now, i would argue that like most "collections," we do not intend for them to grow so large, it just kinda happens.

my first experience with this is displayed proudly in the photo above. first of all, i cannot believe i actually found this photo today (or remembered that i had it!) and second, please note the pink carpet and teal furniture of my 7th grade bedroom. from this time until about my senior year of college this collection had grown out of control...somewhere over 100 pigs at last count.

i noticed this phenomenon again  when i started doing mixed media. i had a ridiculous amount of art/craft supplies that had been steadily growing since my first trip to pearl in chicago, about 10 years ago. i went through quite a few phases: mosaic tiles, scrapbooking, painting old furniture, jewelry (including a rebirth of the "friendship bracelet" craze--tons of embroidery floss!)...collecting new toys along the way.

then i started thinking about my resume. wow, that's quite a collection! i talked a bit about my career path(?) here, which is as varied as my ever-changing art/craft interests. and when i finally decided to go to grad school and become a social worker, i realized how important all of those experiences truly were. and i believe this is the beauty of all the randomness that accumulates as we age.

hoisin sauce for the perfect asian chicken pizza,
ribbon for a last minute gift,
the ability to make a child laugh,
or an incredible powerpoint presentation

this is the power of time...the experiences we have collected over the years. and as i continue to fully embrace my 30's: the wisdom that comes with age, the skills culled, the knowledge gained...the pigs sold at a garage sale. these are the things that make each of us unique. the collections build the foundation for our lives. the stories we tell, the memories we hold dear.

what have you gathered over the years? what would you like to collect more of? for me, it's the memories. the crazy things i've done that always make for a good story.  and i believe that is what this blog has become--a new way for me to collect everyday moments that might otherwise go unnoticed. a collection of the beautiful memories of my life.

discovery #23

that i do NOT suffer from adultitis!!

i had another one of those overlaps. i've been seeing the "escape adulthood" badge over at joyrebel.com for a while now, but never had the time to check it out. finally, the other day at work, i really needed a reminder on how to maintain my child-like attitude... then the next day, the lifelaughsandlemmings post referred to adultitis as well! (and i had to leave a comment supporting the mission!) i knew this was a sign from the universe that i needed to spend some more time on this subject.

according to kim & jason, "Adultitis is a common condition occurring in people between the ages of 21–121, marked by chronic dullness, mild depression, moderate to extremely high stress levels, a general fear of change, and, in some extreme cases, the inability to smile. Patients can appear aimless, discontent, and anxious about many things. Onset can be accelerated by an excess burden of bills, overwhelming responsibilities, or a boring work life. Generally, individuals in this condition are not fun to be around."

i am very happy to report that i do not exhibit ANY of the warning signs! if you are worried you may be infected, you can take the intake exam here ! commenting on the other blog made me start thinking of the things that i do to avoid the stress and general discontent described above. i started looking through my pictures to find something for this post...and realized that today's entry will mostly be a visual representation of my thoughts:

how do you escape adulthood?

THE BIG 100!

this is unbelievable...100 entries seems crazy to me. when i first started, i'd look at women who'd been doing this since 2006, and drool at all the loveliness they had accrued. i have to say, after only 6-7 months...100 posts is not.too.shabby.

i decided a while ago that for #100 i would list all of the "discoveries" that didn't make the cut. especially in the first months while i was trying to get the hang of it, i'd list my daily discoveries like a gratitude journal. obviously only one was turned into my entry for the week.

so, in no particular order....here's a peek at the OTHER things i've discovered so far:

• the importance of good co-workers
• that there isn't a photo of my sister jamie in my office
• the power of getting all dolled-up (and someone noticing!)
• painting is like exercise for me: i just need to get my clothes on
• the importance of my friendship with my sister casey - i miss hanging out with her more often
• that you can lower your electricity bill like your cell phone (competition is good.)
• the beauty of those "breakthrough" fights...that actually make your relationship stronger
• there are still kind people in the world (the guy who gave me free glasses frames)
• i can start doing continuing education presentations at the hospital
• soybeans are the devil
• my husband and i have similar dreams for the future
• my headaches may be caused by TMJ
• i have a wild imagination
• old friends through facebook
• new excuses for skipping the gym
• this video (i love toys that remind me of my childhood!)
• i’m obsessed with trees
• i need to downsize, simplify my life
• i am good at yoga (and that i've been doing it for 9 years!?!)
• pomegranate seeds in my martini -- yum.
• that being outside on a gorgeous tuesday afternoon is where i should be
• (and that i'm thinking much more about a non-8-5 life)
• clovers growing in my yard
• muscles i haven't used in a while
• that having my own bank account is no longer important to me
• families are very hard work
• i am a crazy contradiction
• lost memories (i.e. watching disney movies with my family on sunday nights)
• that i love going to services to do the prayer for the bereaved; my connection to jamie
• the universe is conspiring to push me toward my dreams
• that i am enamored by the RV lifestyle...check this out. and i always love looking at these.
• i love video art pieces
• i don't like when my house is too clean
• the definition of an innerpreneur...and that i qualify as a cultural creative
• that my hair looks amazing in a climate with 49% humidity
• that i am a good problem solver
• that david and i need 2nd jobs to satisfy our appetite for travel

discovery #22

the sting of rejection.

not really the way i wanted to kick-off my week of writing and relaxation, but i guess it’s a necessary evil. if i want to be successful as a writer, i am going to need a lot of determination—and a very thick skin. after reading the e-mail, i realized that the thought of rejection never crossed my mind. i only pictured my article posted on the collaborative blog, happy in knowing i had shared myself with a wider audience.

walking back to the house i started thinking about the other times in my life that i have dealt with rejection. not making the cheerleading squad in the 6th grade, because they said i was too quiet (which if you know me now is causing squeals of laughter). and most recently, after an incredible second interview with the CEO of a local non-profit; a job for which i was barely qualified. but it didn’t seem so bad since i hadn’t expected to get the job…i was just proud i actually got that far.

what i’ve realized is that it’s the anticipation of success that causes the most pain. expectations are dangerous, they can often be an invitation for disappointment. and often we’re much happier without the pressure of their presence. but that seems a bit depressing at the same time.

if i lived my life without the expectation of success, i would never accept a challenge. i would never set goals outside my comfort zone. i would never make steps toward growth. life would be pretty boring if i did everything to avoid rejection and disappointment. i would miss out on valuable opportunities to learn and to make adjustments for the future. i would simply maintain the status quo.

i refuse to limit myself to things that are easy. i choose to set goals that seem outrageous to others. for me, i need that challenge. i thrive on the adrenaline that accompanies risk, and with it the possibility of failure.

and it makes the taste of success that much sweeter.