discovery #26

i hate conflict.

david and i had a fight tonight. one of those that starts off kinda irritating, but then dive-bombs into horrible. not to mention, it occurred during our awful commute home, and on the first day of my menstrual party.

yes. it was ugly.

and as i have been slowly discovering over the past few years...i hate conflict. which may sound like a normal thing--perhaps it is common that people dislike fighting, arguing, punching others in the gut. but i have not always been this way. as a youngster, it seems i somehow sought out conflict. fights with my sisters over clothing choices, music volume, invisible lines drawn in the back seat of the minivan. in grade school, i met up with girls outside the westlake theater with the threat of "beating them up." high school fights at the fair grounds. never-ending battles with my dad through all of these periods.

i never shied away from a fight.

but now i try to avoid conflict at all costs. i hate the tension, the anxiety, the dirty feeling afterward. i hate apologizing--or worse, waiting for an apology. and i especially hate silence. david and i are in the "cooling off" period. the time where we retire to our opposite corners and try to avoid further damage. at least i know the end is near. but i'm still anxious, still have that yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach.

but i'm very much looking forward to the making up part.