36 by 36...

  1. deliver a healthy baby
  2. dance with david
  3. start painting again
  4. swim in the ocean
  5. pass the LCSW exam
  6. take a writing workshop
  7. revisit the houston museums
  8. stop cursing
  9. dye my hair red
  10. praise my body
  11. buy fruit from a roadside stand
  12. speak in public
  13. plant a tree for baby
  14. run a 5K
  15. submit an article for publication
  16. attend a play or musical
  17. complete my conversion to judaism
  18. go to a waterfall
  19. finish my audio course on writing
  20. gather stories from my grandmothers
  21. dream bigger
  22. take an encaustic class
  23. bake an apple pie
  24. read 12 books
  25. wear flowers in my hair
  26. have a picnic
  27. complete random acts of kindness
  28. eat a passionfruit
  29. marry my husband
  30. blow bubbles
  31. plant a garden
  32. color outside the lines
  33. write 3 chapters of book
  34. go fishing
  35. ride a waterslide
  36. read something inspirational every day

today i am 35

Here is last year's 35 by 35 list...let's see how I fared:
  1. go to blanco tx - antiques
  2. participate in ARToberFEST
  3. make s'mores at the beach  {it was actually at a bonfire, not on the beach}
  4. take salsa lessons again with d
  5. go to the drive-in in ennis
  6. write 5 chapters of my memoir
  7. finish my death/dying course
  8. bake x-mas cookies with mom/geg
  9. read one book a month {minimum}
  10. do a triathlon with my sister
  11. fly a kite
  12. go to dewberry farm
  13. make tamales with my mother-in-law
  14. spend the weekend in wimberley
  15. go to schlitterbahn
  16. celebrate my 3rd anniversary of being smoke-free
  17. get my bike fixed
  18. submit an article for publication
  19. find a local Nia class
  20. make my {famous} tiramisu
  21. attend a book reading
  22. create a lovely outdoor space
  23. sustain my writers group
  24. watch my dreads start to grow again
  25. catch a fish on my father-in-law's boat
  26. learn everything i can about hospice social work {this is neverending}
  27. go to the rainforest at moody gardens
  28. buy a new lens for my camera
  29. create a CEU presentation
  30. go to an outdoor concert  {this is happening next month!}
  31. take a romantic getaway with d
  32. recycle more
  33. get a pedicure
  34. go to new mexico in the RV
  35. be brave.  {if getting pregnant isn't brave, i don't know what is...}



this book is intoxicating. it is everything i have been, i am, and long to be. it is as if i can smell the watermelon as they slurp the juices in the backyard. can feel the warmth of the july night where the fireflies skitter across the sky. i want to sit cross-legged on the carpet with my own sweet child in my lap, annoyed at her clinginess, and then roar like lions the following morning. i want to hold my own book in my hands--live the writer's life--hire a babysitter to allow me precious hours to create. i want back to my own writing, the ability to pick at random an entry into my heart--to see who i was then, to feel her pain and triumph. we pour ourselves into the pages, onto the screen, we open our hearts for others to see the blood pulsing through arteries. it is messy, visceral, it is this primitive urge to feel ourselves in another, to join this tribe: of women, of authors, of mothers, of humankind.

i am lonely in my creative abyss. i feel isolated from my words, the ink, the flattened pinkie after an hour of hungry scribbles. i want to be she of kripalu, in the flowing green dress, she who writes before she thinks. she who is brave in print, whose tears stain the pages and allow new life to slowly fill the receding pool. my belly now swells with new life--different now, not light and love needed to save me, but a different breed. this light radiates outward, it is the pride of the momma lion, the radiance of the queen bee. it is knowing i am creating something beyond art, beyond my own hand. this is fueled by a power deeper than that which i am blessed. the love bubbles up, i feel it as a flash--a knowing wink, a passionate glance--it is shy, but unmistakable.

and in that moment: i am alive.

this post was written after an hour {or more} of devouring the book "Great With Child" by Beth Ann Fennelly. it is soul food for my fragile soul.