scrawl

sometimes i can't interpret my own writing when i read over the entries in my notebook. natalie goldberg says that her handwriting changes when she's really in the groove. i can see this now in my own writing practice; over the course of a few months i have filled two notebooks and when i'm truly in the zone...it is nearly illegible. i also find that when i read over the entries i barely remember the words that have been formed by my heart. writing as natalie has taught me, i don't use my brain. at least, not the part of my brain that tells me to cross my t's and use proper grammar. i just GO.

i've started writing on self-created prompts intended for use in my memoir. for 20-30 minutes at a stretch, i am submerged again in my grief, struggling to come up for air. i find myself dreaming now of death and loss; i rarely remember dreams usually, but these have been vivid in my hazy awakening. in one, it is me who is being stalked...a hit out for me and i am aware of the impending violence. last night, a second dream replayed my sister's death, but this time it was expected, a lengthy hospitalization or something. my family was all gathered together when the call came that she was gone.  we still sat in disbelief.

it will be interesting to see how the coming months affect me emotionally, as i dig through lost memories of that dark time. it's been almost 7 years now...and i find it more and more difficult to remember that girl and what she must have been thinking. it's amazing how much is wiped from my memory, how our brain can protect us from trauma, yet leave gaping holes in our histories.  i'm starting to paint again...above is a mixed media piece i worked on last weekend. i think my art goes hand-in-hand with the writing...some things just can't be expressed through words. i am remembering that i am a creative being, that our move to the island was to nurture that spirit inside of me. i am finally beginning to explore her more fully, to stretch into this space i have been granted and settle in for the long haul.