lunchtime

mmmmmm.

discovery #31

i am right where i want to be.

i have definitely taken the scenic route to get here, but i can honestly say that at 32...i have arrived. and i never would have believed at 22--and especially at 27--that it was possible. lately i've taken to thinking of my life as a puzzle...i kept collecting all the border pieces, the easy ones, that really don't show you the image, but give structure to the whole thing. it's only been in the last few years that i've found the middle ones--and actually figured out how they fit together. and those last couple pieces just seem obvious once you've got the rest complete--a no brainer--yet literally impossible before that point in time.

i've likened my life to many things over the years: a journey (so cliché), whirlwind, rollercoaster, highway (okay, that was tom cochrane). but the puzzle is the only one that seems accurate right now. i've always said this about my career path: that i needed all those crazy jobs to learn and build upon the skills of each. and i believe the same is true regarding my growth as a person. i have found myself in this place as a result of many decisions--both good and really poor, in equal measure. i never knew if the next piece would fit when i picked it up...i just worked really hard to make it fit. often it didn't, no matter how hard i tried, and i had to put it back in the pile for later. some fit perfectly on the first try...i just instinctively knew where they went.

and as i grow tired of this analogy, i will be bold enough to say that i have finally clicked the last piece in place. when david and i decided to make mariposa studio a reality, i felt that creative piece of my life finally materialize. i can now see how it all connects: my job as a social worker, my marriage, my love of nature, my dreams for the future...

this is the place i've been searching for: the easy calm of the studio, the support of my loved ones, the flexibility of my career, the promise of a more creative lifestyle. i realize that in time this will change...there will likely be a new puzzle to complete. but for now, i will delight in the sense of accomplishment and enjoy the view from this magical place.

best shot monday x2

photo by me

photo by my sister casey (that's me in the sweatpants!)

overwhelmed...

i am working on my story for the last creative writing class next week and i'm freaking out. it seems every time i pick it up i'm up against some type of deadline and just trying to "get it done." i know this is why i didn't submit it to that contest a month or so ago and i know this is why i really don't want to turn it in for class. but the professor asked that i submit it again (this was what i used for my very first story) for everyone to review.

the problem is:  i switched the entire tense from the first submission (originally it was in past tense, but the input i got from the class review was to change it to present)...and after i did that, my professor told me it really should be in a "reminiscent point of view." now i'm just overwhelmed.  i got a lot of really great feedback from the group i sent it out to after those changes, but i haven't had the time to actually make them. i had all good intentions to do that this morning, but it's just too much.

first, i had to actually buy microsoft office this morning b/c my trial had expired. plus, i don't even know where the cable for my printer went during the move. and it took at least 20 minutes to locate all of my writing stuff amongst the boxes and now i don't even want to use it. really i just don't know where to start.  do i bother with making the changes while it's still in present tense?  do i need to go back to the original version, add in all the "new" details, and THEN make changes with my friends' feedback?

i knew that being a writer was going to be difficult. i knew that i wouldn't be able to make all the changes in one sitting. but i at least thought i would be able to get started. the venting is helping...i'm starting to feel a bit more calm. i am starting to visualize the shape i want the story to take. i am now thinking that i have to meet my friend for lunch in one hour. maybe i'll just get in the shower instead.

discovery #30

that simplifying isn't as easy as it looks

we just downsized from a 3-bedroom house with a garage to a 2-bdrm apartment. a while back i posted this, in anticipation of the move. i was convinced that this was our chance to "simplify," to purge all of the crap that accumulates when you have the space to store it. and i was partially right...we did throw out (or rather, give away) quite a bit of stuff. but then there was the 94% of our belongings that traveled across town--and was dragged up two flights of stairs--and you see in our 2nd bedroom above.

i've tried this before when my life seems to be overwhelming me with the continuous to do lists. when the calendar is full and my free time has become non-existent. but what i've found is that i thrive on the chaos--i secretly love the overcrowded schedule of events, feel anxious when there's nothing "to do." what i've found is that the key is actually being present during all of these activities. the ability to be truly in the moment and not planning how to accomplish the next seven things on the list.

often the reason i'm feeling out of balance is that i'm not actively engaged in all the tasks, as opposed to the sheer quantity. and i'm beginning to realize the same is true for all my stuff. if each of these items holds a special meaning or purpose in my life, then who cares that it overflows the closets? if i can't bear to part with the tsing tao beer mug from my trip to hong kong, or the painting i dragged all the way back from the waterfall in ocho rios, jamaica, then it must mean they're worth keeping.

and as i mentioned in this post, i am a collector. and what it really comes down to are the memories that these artifacts reflect. we fill our homes--and our hearts--with a lifetime of stuff, which in turn reflects who we are and what we value. as i dug a little deeper into this concept i found this...check it out, it's a really interesting area of research on the subject. and take a peek at the rooms in which you live. why do we keep the things we do and what do these items say about us and our personalities?

if the photo above reflects anything...i'm pretty sure it proves that i'm just not meant to be simple.