miss you...

jame-
i miss you today. i think it’s that the holidays are over…all that twinkle and coziness are gone. back to normal.

i always wonder what normal is anyway. for the last five years i’ve thought of the time when you were alive as “normal.” and i always talk to my patients about “the new normal” – that adjustment period after a traumatic event – learning to live again. have i finally adjusted?

i sometimes wonder what my life would be like if you were still here. where would i be living? what would i be doing? but then i stop. i promised myself five years ago that i would never do the what if thing. and i like to think that you had a lot to do with the life i have now. the master’s degree, the job helping others, the amazing husband. you gave me the strength to pursue these things. your commitment to andy and faith in marriage showed me that i could be brave in love. you helped me reach this normal, and for that i will always be grateful.

so i will take this time to miss you. to remember the fun times, to peek at the scrapbook and photo albums. i will cry when i need to and not feel silly when david asks me what’s wrong. i will remember that grief is a lifelong journey, that although it gets easier to traverse, the road is very long.

and that i will always have my angel to show me the way.

love you.