discovery #11

that i don't know how to successfully address "the funk"

they say that grief never actually ends, it just gets easier to handle. this has been absolutely accurate for me. in the five years since jamie's death, i've done the typical rollercoaster of phases, often repeating each over and over again. and i have noticed that in the last couple years since i've moved on to the next level of grief, that i enter into what i have lovingly termed "the funk" periodically. there is usually no rhyme or reason to the timing and it can last for a couple days or weeks, depending how i address my feelings. but the frustrating part is: the solution does not remain the same.

and what i've discovered this week is that the funk may not actually be related to jamie anymore. in the past i would watch old home movies of us together, replay her wedding video, look through the scrapbook i made...along with a good cry, i usually felt much better after taking some time to truly experience my emotions.

but last week was different...it didn't feel like a grief reaction, but i was miserable nonetheless. the funny thing is that i didn't even try the old "solutions," it didn't cross my mind to watch videos or call my sister to talk about her. but i remember consciously trying to figure out what might make me happy again. this is way too close to the "band-aid fixes" that i hate so much...trying to repair the hurt after it's already a big bloody mess. what i need is to start some preventative measures.

in grad school, when i was single, this was MUCH EASIER. first, because i didn't work full-time and second, because i didn't want to hang-out with my husband every night instead of cleaning the house. now i need to work much harder to maintain the balance in my life and avoid the road to Overwhelming Town.

so, here is my plan for this week...first, so i can be more aware of the balance (or imbalance) of my days and second, so i can attempt to self-correct if i veer off course.

1. blog every day with the following subjects:
  • creative: new photo or art piece
  • health/fitness: exercise or yummy meals
  • gratitude entry: 3 things i'm thankful for
  • 1 thing i did to make an effort toward balance

2. exercise at least 3 times and make 3 healthy dinners

3. paint or read or write or dance every day

4. attempt to tidy the house and do domestic tasks during the week

5. make an appointment with the EAP counselor if i'm still feeling yucky about work

right now i'm feeling well-balanced and energized for the coming week. i ran in the race for the cure yesterday and made some new art. and i'm doing a mini j-day today and i've cleaned my entire house! oh, and i revised our budget, paid all the bills, and dropped off the rent check.

you'll notice my see-saw at the top (david and i used it at the park in greece). i especially enjoyed lara blair's piece at wishstudio last week where she said of her own struggle: "It’s a delicate balance and I take it hard when either side of the see-saw hits the dirt…sometimes with a deafening thud." and i need to give a shout out to brandi reynolds whose entry on friday really struck a chord and gave me the oomph to put my thoughts on-screen.

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